I have a confession to make.....
Man....this is going to be hard......
I don't want to say it.....
You're going to be SOOOOOO disappointed in me......
Oh yes you are!!! I was VERY disappointed in me!!!!
I know....I know...just get it out.....
Well here it is.......
About two weeks ago......
(DEEP BREATH......)
I had a Nestle Plastic Bar......
There. I admitted it. BUT WAIT.... that's not all.... a couple of days ago....
I found some fun size Snickers bars in my freezer. Have NO idea how long they have been in there....
I ate TWO of them. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD you you were going to be disappointed in me!!!
HOLD ON!!!! HOLD ON!!!!!! If you are not TOTALLY disgusted with me and you are still reading...let me say some things.
Many of you who have been following my weight loss journey, know that back in August of last year (WHOA!!!! It's been a whole YEAR!!!!) I decided to give up sweets. Because, you see, I am a sweets addict. Just like with any addiction, sweets had control of my life. That is why I weighed ### pounds. I knew that I could not eat ANY kind of sweets and get control of my life. And honestly, I did really well. I have turned down Krispy Kreme doughnuts (the food of angels, I'm convinced), I've turned down Nana's Banana Pudding (she's not really MY nana, but that what most people call her, and she makes THE BOMB banana pudding, which I am CERTAIN will be in heaven!!), and I have even turned down my daughter's wedding cake (which was white cake with REAL buttercream icing, which, once-upon-a-time I could have lived on for three meals a day!!). Even now, as I sit here typing this, my mouth is WATERING thinking about how those things USED to taste. And I gave it ALL up!!! I wouldn't even go for the fat-free/sugar-free yummy desserts my family members have made for different functions because I KNEW that would just make my body CRAVE the "real thing" all the more.
So, I'm pretty sure you are sitting there right now saying, "So WHHHHYYYY Kim???? WHHHHYYYY did you fall off the wagon???"
The simple, and most direct answer is...I have no clue. Let me go back to that day a few weeks ago. I'm not sure of the exact day (I think it was maybe a Saturday). I do remember being a little stressed for some reason, but that's not really unusual for me. I had to run out to Fred's to get something. And I was standing in line....and there it was....that hideous CANDY counter!! Those marketing guys REALLY know how to put it to ya in the check out line. I was waiting and waiting and the little boy at the register was taking FOR-EVER...and I had a LOT of time to think about which one of those delectable treats I wanted to grab. I used to always LOVE the Nestle Crunch bar. I have never been one for plain chocolate, but put some little crunchy things in it, and MAN oh MAN!! So, I grabbed it!! I threw it down on the conveyor belt and immediately started beating myself up!! It's not like I hadn't fought that SAME battle a THOUSAND times in the last year. Back in the day, it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to go to Walmart without getting a candy bar when I went through the check out line. I mean, it just DIDN'T happen!! So...here I was. Slipping back into my old life. I was SO upset with myself. Not upset enough to put that candy bar BACK on the shelf though!!
So...I get out in the van, and you KNOW what happened!! I tore into that candy bar like I had not eaten in 15 days!!! I ate about 1/3 of it in one bite. As I was swallowing it, I was thinking "this tastes like PLASTIC!!" But what did I do??? Kept eating of course!! I ate another 1/3 and thought " this REALLY does NOT taste good! Why am I eating it?" And you guessed it....I crammed the last bit of it in my mouth! I remember thinking as I swallowed the last of the candy " that tasted like chocolate covered plastic!". I experienced SEVERAL emotions on my drive home. I was VERY disappointed in myself because I fell off the wagon. I was VERY angry with myself, and I was really BUMMED that the candy bar tasted gross!! I mean, if I was going to backslide and eat something sweet, at least it should TASTE good!! But it didn't! So I beat myself up for a while over that episode. Then, I picked back up on the NO SWEETS FOR KIM way of life.
I need to add this thought here though, because I know there are SO many of my friends out there who are trying to lose weight or just eat healthier or whatever. I told you in my other posts, for ME, it was COLD TURKEY all the way on the sweets because those were my trigger foods. Those were the things I just couldn't get enough of. Those were the things I would eat until I literally made myself sick. So they had to GO. I have had SO many people tell me "I just can't do that." and my response?
"Oh but yes you CAN!!" Sweets are not like protein or water. Your body doesn't HAVE to have sweets. So YES, YOU CAN get rid of them!!!! HOWEVER IT IS HARD!!!!!!
And that brings me to this past Friday night. It was a quiet night. Kelly was at a volleyball tournament. Rog was out mowing the grass. I was just hangin out watching my Guy on DD&D. And I started CRAVING something sweet. I mean oooeeeyyy, gooey sweet. And then I remembered seeing them in the freezer. Snickers candy bars!!!! They were the little bitty ones, so I figured two would be ok. Again, I have NO IDEA how long those things had been in there! I had to microwave them for over a minute just to get them to where they wouldn't break my teeth off!! And then I ate them. Four bites. Gone. Again. Disappointment. At least this time they didn't taste like plastic! BUT...I think I paid mightily for that 15 second relapse. I was sick at my stomach ALL DAY Saturday!! I am convinced it was because of those two stupid little chunks of sweet poison!
Do I have a point here? Yes. Battling food addiction is TOUGH. It is just like any other addiction. You will have cravings. You will "fall off the wagon" occasionally. The key is....get back on. Learn from the misstep, and get back on! Two times in the last several weeks, I have failed. And I really beat myself up over it too. But you know what? I'm over it now...especially since I have had this cathartic conversation with you all!! Does that mean I am not thinking about those Double Stuff Oreos that are in the pantry right now? Ummmm...NOOOOOO. (Of course I really don't like the cookie part...I only eat the filling)Anyway!!!! What it means is that I have to REFOCUS and remember that my body CAN NOT handle sweets. I also have to constantly remind myself that those things simply DO NOT taste as delightful as they used to. And I am LOVIN the "new" me. I'm still only 50 pounds down, but can I just tell ya?? I HATED those 50 pounds and I NEVER, EVER, EVER want to see them again!!!!
So now... I am going to press on toward my goal with no guilt in my heart and no chocolate on my fingers.
Easy?? No way.
Worth it?? Absolutely!!!
Stay healthy my friends! and Press on!!! because remember "YES, YOU CAN!!!"
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